Credit where it's dew.

Its 12.30 am on Saturday, and I'm alone in the flat, everyone else having gone to Space, gone home or just plain gone to bed. Its been a stressful week, saved by a good friday, and hopefully a good weekend (that is, one that involves Newcastle getting more than just one shot on target). And there's no Rugby on either. Which is always nice. But none of you want to hear about my week. Instead you all want to know about the credit crunch. 'Cos you haven't heard enough about it already....
With the present "Global Economy" possessing the same stability as the Chelsea Manager's job, here are Dave's Top Tips for surviving the Credit Crunch:

• Don't buy anything. At all. Scavenge on the streets for other people's cast off food. Wear bin bags, and sleep in the boughs of trees. In the (misquoted) words of someone or other, "A dog is just two meals away from a becoming a wolf". That has no bearing on this current situation, but it is something to bear in mind.
• If living as a well-read tramp doesn't excite you, try spending less money. Drink spirits neat instead of as mixers, watch TV with your nose pressed up to the shop window rather than buying a licence, or just take up petty theft to ease the burden on your wallet.
• Listen to the Pigeon Detectives' slaughter of Hot Chip's "Ready for the Floor" on the Live Lounge. Its three minutes of sonic horrificness may lead to some aural bleeding, but it will definitely take your mind off the fact that you have no money. In fact, all you'll be able to think about is getting as far away from the speakers as possible without crossing an ocean.

So there it is. Three guaranteed ways to come out of the Credit Crisis unscathed (except for your ears). Just call me Guru. Although I have just noticed a crushed Mini Cheddar mingling with the layers of slowly decomposing paper on my desk, so I'm going to leave now.

Bloc Party Countdown: 7 months and 17 days till Kele Orekeke mysteriously disappears.....

Song of the Day: Spiders - Editors. "With your back to the wall, Sometimes its all better on your own". Written after Tom Smith had attended an LGBT night. Now just imagine if I set up a Union night for Straight people only. Imagine the uproar. And now guess what I'm going to be proposing on Monday....

Am I insane? The talking candy floss next to me doesnt think so.

Insanity. Wikipedia defines it as "behaviour that flouts societal norms". When it leads to violence, it can be termed 'psychosis'. When shared by many people, it can be called 'religion'. Warning: The previous sentence contained views that are considered by some to be shocking. If you do not want to be shocked, do not read the previous sentence. Also, that line isn't my own, but I'm too lazy to re-read The God Delusion to find out who said it. And I only brought up insanity to use that line. I tried writing a whole blog about it but failed miserably. And I can't talk about the game last night as most of my (2) readers have a pathological hatred of football. Which, given my lack of social skills, leaves me rather lacking in subjects. And, to be honest, you should probably be entertaining yourselves, rather than relying on me all the time. So I'll probably just stop here.

Song of the day: Ride a White Horse - Goldfrapp. This ode to a drug dealer has everything: 3 note bassline, derivative kickdrum/snare drumbeat, and breathy, sounds like she's about to fall asleep vocals. As well as the line "feels like real leather" which, unless I'm very much mistaken, is a description if this man's skin texture. But it is really good.

The End Of My (Exam) Period

Sorry to re-use the pun in the title, but I felt it was underappreciated the first time round, and so generously decided to give you another chance to revel in its glory. Or not. Your choice really.
Today was an important day for many reasons. It (finally) marked the end of my exams, about 2 weeks after everyone else had finished, it was yet another day where I managed to walk through the ice without falling over, and, perhaps most importantly, I got Bloc Party tickets. Which is pretty cool 'cos, y'know, I think they're good. Like Franz Ferdinand, but with more than one good album.
I haven't really got an overarching theme for this post, unlike my other concisely thematic, semi-articulate ramblings. But seeing as how I haven't posted for a while and I know how you all yearn for what is effectively my mental and verbal diarrhoea, I thought I'd better put up something. Even if it is only this pile of.....
Unfortunately, due to exams, nothings really been happening. Hence the complete lack of plot, events or humour. Although I have just got MGMT's album which, according to John, contains "just 7 good songs".
Hopefully next week will be service as usual, as I finally get more than 25 hours sleep over the week. And I don't actually have to do any work. Fun times.
I'm so sorry for wasting your time with this.

Song of the Day: 19-2000 - Gorillaz. Featuring the lyrics:

Day-du da bop
Day-du da bop
Day-du da bop
Day-du da bop
Oh Yeah.

Which, when you think about it, really probes deep into the heart of the human condition. Great songwriting.

Scary Stuff...

I've just been trolling through some random blogs from this very site, and have discovered an inconvenient truth: when it comes to other bloggers, I am not in very good company. The majority I found were by middle-aged American housewives discussing their intolerably average middle-class lives, showing us endless pictures of their snotty nosed, ridiculously named (Ryne, Madonna) children. As if that wasn't enough, they seem to think we might be interested in their philosphical musings on what a snowflake is for, or what colour cheese sounds like. Those aren't real questions! The only slightly different blogs were one advertising home furnishings and another in Japanese discussing, I think, ways to rid themselves of the "Western Menace". I may have been wrong. So there you have it. When it comes to blogging, the only choices are Suburbian Americana, Japanese Genocide, or me. I think you know who to pick...

Song of the day: Supermassive Black Hole - Muse. Contrary to popular belief, this song is not about the celestial phenomena, instead using them as a metaphor for a (probably quite strange) relationship. Clever that.

P.S. To anyone reading this who has a blog, I didn't mean to imply that yours wasnt worth looking at. Just that I haven't bothered.

P.P.S. I just found this. Pretension now has a URL.

Festivals: The Argument.

In lieu of Biology revision, today I bring you a blog on one of the most important questions to have faced mankind in recent years: Are festivals (the music variety, not like a gay pride march or anything) good? As I spent the best weekend of my life at Glastonbury in 2007, it will probably be a fairly one-sided argument. But, in the interests of unbiased journalism, I'll do my best.

First, the pros:

• The Bands. All your favourite musical masterminds gathered in one place. Your chance to see The Who, Bloc Party, Manic Street Preachers and Klaxons (Twice). And all for a fraction of the price of going to see them all seperately.
• The Atmosphere: 140'000 people all there to enjoy the weekend. Like Bolton, but with nice people.
• The Drugs: Where else could you walk into a tent to find it literally packed with people smoking marijuana. Nowhere else, that's where.
• The People: smiles and happiness everywhere you look. The Outsider Indie Kid mixing with doped up 60 year old Hippies. brilliant.

And now, the cons:

• The Bands- Who wants to wake up at 10 on a Sunday morning to the strains of Kate Nash's unique brand of nasal annoyance-pop?
• The Atmosphere - 9 hours to get out of the car park. Enough said.
• The Drugs: After being sent sprawling into the mud for the 5th time by some idiot who's had one too many "Herbal Highs", it gets hard to see the funny side.
• The People: 140'000 people going without a shower for 3 days. Not too nice.

So, festivals have both good points and bad points. But they're still awesome. So, y'know, go to one. Go on. Right now. Stop reading this and go.

Song of the day: Hunting For Witches - Bloc Party. Kele Okereke once did an interview with NME about how he hated to be interviewed. I'm not sure whether this is more ironic or hypocritical, so I'll say its both. How hypocritically ironic. Still a great great band though.

That time of the month: (Exam) Period

I've recently had some complaints that I just don't talk enough about football, and as this is a subject of great interest to my one reader I will be spending this blog talking about the history of the offside rule, before moving on to the effect on the modern game of the Dutch "Total Football" system of the 70's, particularly as regards the Arsenal "Invincibles" during their infamous unbeaten league campaign of the 03/04 season. Actually I won't at all, I just wanted to worry you :-). Although, I'm not sure I can think of anything else to write about....

I am, of course, joking. instead my subject shall be procrastination. But then again, I might just put this blog off until tomorrow...

As you may know, next week marks the start of exam season at Sheffield Uni. Now the perfect student would have long since made a revision timetable, started their revision and possibly solved world poverty while they were at it. However, seeing as how such a person would undoubtedly have already been trampled underfoot by a mob of students off to watch the match, get hammered and fall asleep outside their flat, this week has instead seen a flurry of sleeping, watching TV and general time wasting activities. This week I have: played 4 consecutive hours of corridor football, raced a Tomy my first car up and down the flat, watched endless episodes of Judge Judy (she's such a b*tch), and sat for 45 minutes folding and unfolding a Galaxy wrapper, all in the name of not working. Which is unfortunate.

However, on the off chance my mother ever stumbles across this, I have been devoting my time wholeheartedly to revision, revision and nothing but revision. That and making swans out of tin foil.

Song of the day: Where I End And You Begin - Radiohead. Made famous for the lyric "There's a gap in between, where I end and you begin". Which is good. because otherwise he'd be some sort of conjoined fetus type person, and that wouldn't be nice at all.

Why Orson (the band, not the town in Pennysylvania) never really caught on...

(Conversation at Orson's secret hideout)

Right, guys. First things first, I've got these hats that i think will really give the band something extra for people to talk about. But onto the main item i wanted to discuss - the new song. I've had a great idea. How about, right, we go to a rave and behave like we're tripping. but, and here's the clever part, we're not really tripping, we're only acting that way 'cause we're so in love. I'm sure we'll get some inspiration from it!

I don't really know what this is about, but i got it in my head a few days ago and i thought i'd better write it down. So, y'know. There it is.

Song of the Day : Kids - MGMT. i love it.

Predictions for 2009!

Seeing as how it is now 2009, and I have nothing else to write about, I will instead make a few predictions for the year ahead of us. These are absolutely guaranteed to come true, and I fully encourage you to bet your life savings on the outcomes of them.

First of all, sport: Newcastle to mount a second half of the season surge which sees them win the Premier League, FA Cup and Champion's League, having been given Chelsea's place for being really really ludicrously good. Michael Owen agrees a new contract where he actually pays the club to play, and Shay Given is crowned King of the World for being absolutely the best Goalie ever. England qualify for the World Cup, but we lose everything in Rugby and Cricket. Rebecca Adlington makes a clean sweep of the Gold Medals at the World Championships after the other competitors refuse to enter the pool on the grounds that they might catch "Really Ugly Disease". Usain Bolt loses both legs in an unfortunate Jacuzzi accident but still manages to set a world record in the 100m, having had enough time to sit down for a cup of tea and to ring his Grandma before strolling over the line 30m ahead of the rest of the field.

Next up, celebrity: Pete Doherty finally dies, and in his autopsy doctors find that he was in fact controlled by one of those little aliens, like in the first Men In Black. This leads to widespread hysteria and panic. Police raid the offices of Heat and OK! Magazines to find that in fact every famous person is like this. However, it is too late, as by then they have advanced on Westminster and installed Kate Moss as Prime Minister. Fortunately, no-one ever hears her speak so life goes on pretty much as normal. in other news, George Bush decides to invade Narnia, before being told that it is, in fact, a fictional land. He still spends the rest of the year sitting in his wardrobe humming.

Music : Crystal Castles' Ethan Kath finally realises he is the only one in the group with talent and kicks out Alice Glass, who sets up her own group, Glass Houses. However, they're sh*t and no-one pays them any attention. Slipknot supremo Joey Jordison reveals his love for the work of Impressionist Composer Claude Debussy. The band revamp themselves as a nine piece Classical group, a move which, to some surprise, quadruples attendances at their gigs. Although seeing as how only two people in the world like them anyway....

Anyway. There will be more to this possibly but right now its Kettering v Eastwood Town. The most anticipated game since Bishop Stopford vs Comet Works Team. not.

And lastly, to steal Charlotte's idea (duh duh duuuuuuuhh)

Song of the Day: Helicopter - Bloc Party. 3 out of 5 may not be enough, but i'll settle for 1-0

2008. The Year That Was (Almost)

2008 was a year. What you want more than that? needy b&%£#@

2008 was a year of both spectacular success and miserable failure. Nothing can encapsulate this more neatly than the contrasting fortunes of those two stalwarts of the modern celebrity era: Kerry Katona and the England Football Team.

At the end of 2007, Kerry Katona, hero of many an Iceland Ad, looked set for another stellar year at the head of the celebrity D-List. In 2007 she had fulfilled many requirements of her "celebrity" status, including being held hostage, marrying a taxi driver she had known for two minutes, and a spell in The Priory, home of such famous drug addicts as 'that guy from Keane who's dad was a vicar but who still insists he's a rock star'. However, barely had the last words of Auld Lang Syne escaped the lips of the one person who actually knows all the words, than Kerry's life started slipping downhill. Early on she was ditched as a columnist in OK! magazine, often seen as the last refuge of the damned. or so it says in their PR. Following this were shock drug revelations, and an absolute slaughtering from that most vicious of comedians, Frankie Boyle. I mean, he almost literally ripped her to shreds. get on youtube if you don't believe me. And then, of course, this October came the most terrible news of them all; Kerry Katona went on This Morning drunk! The Horror! but then again, if you asked me to spend more than 14 seconds in a room with Fern Britton, I'd probably need to be half-cut before I even considered it. Anyway, it turned out she was an alcoholic, or something. Who really cares?

Onto something more interesting to 50% of the population;football! 2008 was a stellar year for English football: Man United winning the Champion's League, the Permiership once again asserting itself as the dominant force in League Football, and of course EURO 2008. oh. scrap that last one. Following the national football team's abject failure to qualify for the EUROs, the mood was hardly optimistic. This was not helped by Capello's first game in charge, against Switzerland, producing the dullest 90 minutes of football since Middlesborough v Anybody. However, after, it turned out that he was just tricking everyone into thinking we were awful, England amassed more goals in their first four qualifying matches than in the entire Euro 2004 campaign. And then we beat Germany. Which was nice.

Anyway, for those of you who were hoping for a celebrity blog, I'm sorry about the football bit. And for those of you who were hoping for a football blog, i'm sorry about the Kerry Katona thing. Anyway, to summarise, 2009 looks like a good year for everyone. Except Kerry Katona. And Bankers. And the 27'000 former employees of Woolworth's. And anyone who likes cheap petrol. Or who wants Rugby to become an interesting sport. So in actual fact, it looks like 2009 is going to be just awful. See you there :-)