Predictions for 2009!

Seeing as how it is now 2009, and I have nothing else to write about, I will instead make a few predictions for the year ahead of us. These are absolutely guaranteed to come true, and I fully encourage you to bet your life savings on the outcomes of them.

First of all, sport: Newcastle to mount a second half of the season surge which sees them win the Premier League, FA Cup and Champion's League, having been given Chelsea's place for being really really ludicrously good. Michael Owen agrees a new contract where he actually pays the club to play, and Shay Given is crowned King of the World for being absolutely the best Goalie ever. England qualify for the World Cup, but we lose everything in Rugby and Cricket. Rebecca Adlington makes a clean sweep of the Gold Medals at the World Championships after the other competitors refuse to enter the pool on the grounds that they might catch "Really Ugly Disease". Usain Bolt loses both legs in an unfortunate Jacuzzi accident but still manages to set a world record in the 100m, having had enough time to sit down for a cup of tea and to ring his Grandma before strolling over the line 30m ahead of the rest of the field.

Next up, celebrity: Pete Doherty finally dies, and in his autopsy doctors find that he was in fact controlled by one of those little aliens, like in the first Men In Black. This leads to widespread hysteria and panic. Police raid the offices of Heat and OK! Magazines to find that in fact every famous person is like this. However, it is too late, as by then they have advanced on Westminster and installed Kate Moss as Prime Minister. Fortunately, no-one ever hears her speak so life goes on pretty much as normal. in other news, George Bush decides to invade Narnia, before being told that it is, in fact, a fictional land. He still spends the rest of the year sitting in his wardrobe humming.

Music : Crystal Castles' Ethan Kath finally realises he is the only one in the group with talent and kicks out Alice Glass, who sets up her own group, Glass Houses. However, they're sh*t and no-one pays them any attention. Slipknot supremo Joey Jordison reveals his love for the work of Impressionist Composer Claude Debussy. The band revamp themselves as a nine piece Classical group, a move which, to some surprise, quadruples attendances at their gigs. Although seeing as how only two people in the world like them anyway....

Anyway. There will be more to this possibly but right now its Kettering v Eastwood Town. The most anticipated game since Bishop Stopford vs Comet Works Team. not.

And lastly, to steal Charlotte's idea (duh duh duuuuuuuhh)

Song of the Day: Helicopter - Bloc Party. 3 out of 5 may not be enough, but i'll settle for 1-0